In exploring BDSM in a variety of ways I found my base power position (top) relatively quickly. I like to be the one doing things, hitting, fucking, tying, commanding, humiliating, etc. The complexities of topping versus service topping and other mixed dynamics certainly came up later, but have never really concerned me. I feel like I am naturally toppy, especially in many of the relationships I have been in so far, but that’s not all I am. I contain multitudes and stuff, you know the deal.
Being dominant is a very chemical thing for me and is extremely individual. Most people, even people I am attracted to, don’t necessarily trigger my dominant or sadistic side. Some people I meet I feel aggressive and dominant towards right away. I don’t necessarily act on those feelings, but I note them. In recent memory there have be two or maybe three times that I met someone and I immediately felt very submissive towards them. I am fascinated by who those people were and the reasons why I felt that way, but that’s another post.
I don’t really get turned on my being a “master” to someone. I don’t necessarily like when people do what I want out of respect or need to serve. I like to make people do what I want out of fear, pain or desire to get something. Or, you know, consensual force and/or extortion. Dominance and submission are much more tied into sex and sadism with me, though when I trust someone a lot I do get into more emotional and psychological aspects of DS.
I am writing this all to give you a feel for my general attitude towards power. I do this to now explain the exceptions.
I like eating pussy. I don’t mean that in the way some men say they like eating pussy because it is just something boys say to be looked at as good lovers. This is something integral to my personality. Note: I certainly do not see oral sex as an inherently “bottom” activity. You can go down on someone from either side of the collar, so to speak. A big thing for me is “making” someone come. I like to be in control of that and responsibly for that and be able to give it or take it away. It’s a big turn on for me.
Let me take you back to high school. I had this best friend who identified as a lesbian, but had occasionally been with boys. We were very good friends. We were in fact best friends in that intense hyper high school friend way. We were part of an incestuous little group of wannabe intellectuals who smoked cloves and went to spoken word poetry nights and were scared people would figure out we really didn’t get a lot of the Chomsky we were reading.
Well, being sexual people and close friends and horny teenagers we slipped into a very weird relationship. That being, for four or five months I would go over her house every day after school and go down on her for (literally) an hour or two and then we would listen to The Doors and I would go home.
We attempted “penis-in-vagina” sex once or twice, but it just didn’t work. She wasn’t into penetration, at least not from me. She did enjoy my oral skills though and was very vocal about telling me how to improve them. She was also very multi-orgasmic and so these long sessions were wet and wild and loud as hell.
Looking back I realize that there were a lot of power dynamics going on during these encounters. Though it wasn’t talked about or even really consciously thought about (at least on my part), she was very much in charge. I was there to service her. She laid back and I got on my knees and I basically licked and sucked until my jaw and tongue were aching. She came and came, dozens of times. I got off on knowing that I was making her come.
Though it wasn’t the first time I’d been intimate with a woman on a regular basis (I had a pretty sexual youth), it was the first time I really got to see a vagina, spread out, in the light, no shyness or back seat fumbling. I got to explore it, I got well articulated feedback without any shame or discomfort.
I’ve never been in a relationship like that since, but similar feelings have been stirred up lately when I played around with something the kids call Queening.
I’ve been in the position of having a girl sit on my face before, I enjoy it, but recently when M and I were playing around in bed and I brought up that maybe she should do that, it suddenly turned into something very different.
The dynamics of M and I are fun. I am the daddy type top and she is the sometimes timid and often bratty little girl bottom. These are roles we slipped into nearly immediately upon meeting and play around with in a variety of ways that we both find hugely entertaining.
Bratty and rambunctious are one thing, but as we started playing that night it felt a little different. I felt different and she had a new glint in her eye.
With my arms sort of pinned down by her knees and my body mostly ignored because she was facing forward, she ground her pussy into my mouth. I tried to keep up, not exactly used to the pussy being pushed at me. I sucked when I could and licked what I could and pushed my tongue into available places, but she was very much in control. Then she grabbed my hair and moved up a little so that the chubby lips of her vagina were coving my mouth and nose.
She pushed her weight down a little more. I felt my body tighten. All I could smell and taste were her juices and the smoothness of her waxed lips against my slightly stubbly face. My cock was untouched, but rock hard and throbbing.
When she finally pulled away a little I gasped for breath and she laughed. Playful, but wicked.
Then she pulled up, hovering just out of reach and I strained and whimpered.
I remember thinking, “what the fuck? Did I just whimper?”
I went with it. It was a little hard letting go. I wanted to, though. All I wanted was to taste more and have all my senses overwhelmed by her cunt again.
I pushed out a little “please” and she lowered herself slowly to let me lap at her again.
The sex afterwards was ridiculously hot.
The minute she was off of me though, I was back in charge. Even more than before because now it was payback. We both knew it and we both enjoyed it.
Still, the idea of it makes me shudder and I like that. The idea of being overwhelmed by something so intimate. Nothing in my world except her pussy and my need and requirement to please her by licking it. I like knowing in what ways I can let myself be vulnerable. I like knowing in which ways submission is arousing to me. It’s a side of myself that is murky and weird and, in a lot of ways, much more physical than emotional.