Sex and Power

Of late, since my play and my sex life have become both more varied and more plentiful, some of the particulars of my own sexuality have become more and more apparent.

Some of these things I’ve known for years, but haven’t really thought about in depth. In most situations these leanings and proclivities can be hidden by the normal dynamics of sex, especially casual sex, where every position and combination isn’t going to be attempted anyhow, so brevity aids omission or at least camouflage.

Power and control are a lot more important to my sexual pleasure than I once thought. I am realizing I have a lot of trouble giving up control, or, more accurately, giving up what I consider control. That seems somewhat normal — after all, I’m a mostly-straight guy who is primarily a top. By most social norms I should be used to being in control. Still, my ideas about control seem a little warped when I look at them more carefully.

The act of being brought to orgasm by someone or even giving yourself an orgasm in front of someone is, in some fundamental way in my head, a submission. It is showing your out of control side. It is being vulnerable. It is being needy. It is everything that little Jack was taught was bad.

Intellectually I know that this is nonsense. Still, a lot of our reactions during intimacy are non-cognitive, deeply emotional and hard to understand without some real processing.

For example, it’s rare that I have an orgasm through oral sex or manual sex. The exception is that if I am also stimulating my partner

during this, I can focus on that long enough to make me forget. Does that make sense? Like the sex lives of most kinky people, sex is complicated.

I would say I get off far harder making people have orgasms than having them myself, with the exception of really intense penetrative sex which is usually awesome for me.

Fingering a woman, performing oral sex and using sex toys on them all turn me on in a huge way. I’ve gotten into what is probably my favorite activity, making women squirt, in some other posts. There is also “forced orgasm” which is in many ways the apex of my kink, i.e., making someone come over and over again until they can’t stand it anymore and are so overwhelmed by the orgasms and the sensation overload they are left a quivery mess.

I’ve written about that, though. What I haven’t written about much is my own reactions.

I’ve had partners comment when I don’t have an orgasm or don’t even really get into my own physical sexual gratification in a scene. I can do a whole scene mostly clothed while the bottom has been stripped, tied, roughed up, made to come several times. I can go away from a scene like that completely aroused and satisfied. Really, bringing my penis into the situation would make it less of fun time. I get off hard in a scene like that, and the somewhat less important desire to have an orgasm not only gets in the way, but gives the bottom far too much power over me.

There are different ways to play, though. That is describing one mood and maybe one character I let myself slip into: the super observant

reaction top who notices everything, mocks everything, punishes, pleases, and plays for his amusement and to take the bottom somewhere. When I am in that head space I want to force reactions. Pleasure, pain, humiliation, lust, need and even catharsis.

Other times I can be more playful or more mean. Sometimes I just want to fuck and the kinks that go along with that game, spanking, manhandling and pinning down hands, are very different than a full on scene. Sometimes I want to have relatively vanilla sex, but still I am taking it.

To receive pleasure I have to be in a very different place. I have to be with someone I trust to be vulnerable with and that doesn’t happen very often. It has happened though, in long term relationships with people I am in love with and care about enough to show that side of myself. Even then, it is a pretty temperamental thing.

This is also because of the lingering fingers of the Catholic guilt from my childhood. It marks many of my desires with guilt and embarrassment. Along with guilt are the lessons taught both overtly and subconsciously through my childhood by my father: that it is weak and wrong to show emotions. Both factors conspire to taint things like public displays of affection, talking about my emotions, saying “I love you” and showing desire towards men.

My mixed feelings towards sex with men are some of the most violently guilt ridden and humiliating, which leads to them also being ones I read about and think about secretly. Thus my fascination with slash.

Where do I go with this information?

For the last six months I’ve been trying to do things that are out of my comfort zone. I’m testing myself and having adventures and trying to break the barriers that keep me from doing everything that I want. I feel like I am really exploring my own desire and the desires of others. I’m shaky and wide eyed and having a lot of fun. Some of the things, like bottoming, make my fears and mental blocks much more apparent and cumbersome.

A good example of this is how when I am bottoming I feel like I am good at taking pain and force and aggression, but the cuddling afterward makes me want to escape. Receiving pleasure, especially

when I can’t control it or return it, is almost enough to break me out of the whole scene. When I am really turned on my hands shake with the need to take control. When I am confronted with “giving in” and being “made to come” my head twists and turns and won’t let my body do it.

That being said, I am more than willing to try. I even think trying is important. Breaking down the barriers to pleasure is as interesting as reveling in the sublimations my head has come up with to work around the blocks.

It’s interesting to think of how far I’ve come, so to speak, in discovering my sexuality. From looking at dirty stories online as a horny fourteen year old to writing things and doing things I’d never imagined I’d do. It will be interesting to see where my life will go from here.

16 thoughts on “Sex and Power

  1. “I’ve had partners comment when I don’t have an orgasm or don’t even really get into my own physical sexual gratification in a scene. I can do a whole scene mostly clothed while the bottom has been stripped, tied, roughed up, made to come several times. I can go away from a scene like that completely aroused and satisfied. Really, bringing my penis into the situation would make it less of fun time. I get off hard in a scene like that, and the somewhat less important desire to have an orgasm not only gets in the way, but gives the bottom far too much power over me.”

    I *wondered* how you managed to beat that toy 8 ways from Sunday without needing to take your shirt off!

    “My mixed feelings towards sex with men are some of the most violently guilt ridden and humiliating, which leads to them also being ones I read about and think about secretly. Thus my fascination with slash.”

    Huh. *files away to think about more later*

  2. “I’ve had partners comment when I don’t have an orgasm or don’t even really get into my own physical sexual gratification in a scene. I can do a whole scene mostly clothed while the bottom has been stripped, tied, roughed up, made to come several times. I can go away from a scene like that completely aroused and satisfied. Really, bringing my penis into the situation would make it less of fun time. I get off hard in a scene like that, and the somewhat less important desire to have an orgasm not only gets in the way, but gives the bottom far too much power over me.”

    I *wondered* how you managed to beat that toy 8 ways from Sunday without needing to take your shirt off!

    “My mixed feelings towards sex with men are some of the most violently guilt ridden and humiliating, which leads to them also being ones I read about and think about secretly. Thus my fascination with slash.”

    Huh. *files away to think about more later*

  3. For me, having these introspective insights into you makes your writing more interesting because I understand a bit more about you, the author.

    But also, thanks for giving me more to think about with reference to myself!

  4. For me, having these introspective insights into you makes your writing more interesting because I understand a bit more about you, the author.

    But also, thanks for giving me more to think about with reference to myself!

  5. It’s interesting how some scenes can be so intellectually satisfying without any real sex. I say that my heart and body need vanilla sex but my brain needs D/s. Sometimes there is overlap but it’s certainly not required for me to walk away sated.

  6. It’s interesting how some scenes can be so intellectually satisfying without any real sex. I say that my heart and body need vanilla sex but my brain needs D/s. Sometimes there is overlap but it’s certainly not required for me to walk away sated.

  7. “A good example of this is how when I am bottoming I feel like I am good at taking pain and force and aggression, but the cuddling afterward makes me want to escape. Receiving pleasure, especially

    when I can’t control it or return it, is almost enough to break me out of the whole scene.”

    Oddly enough, I often find I have the inverse of this – I generally feel *hugely* uncomfortable with cuddly touchy aftercare with anyone but Anon – I can’t really process how to deal with it, and its something I can’t control. I generally want to say ‘that was nice!’ and bounce away. I think its the weird meshy overlap of sex and kink, and how other people perceive it. With Anon, and other long term partners, I want to play *and* fuck, in different permutations depending on the time and mood. But generally, casually, play is just play, and I have a perfectly good time staying dressed, doing things to another person, and that being it for me.

    This particularly comes up with fisting. I’ve found that often people want to reciprocate, and I generally do not want that from my fisting partners. I want to watch them have fun, come all over the place and all that jazz…and then I want to clean up, sit back, and enjoy that. Preferably with a minimum of weirdness.

  8. “A good example of this is how when I am bottoming I feel like I am good at taking pain and force and aggression, but the cuddling afterward makes me want to escape. Receiving pleasure, especially

    when I can’t control it or return it, is almost enough to break me out of the whole scene.”

    Oddly enough, I often find I have the inverse of this – I generally feel *hugely* uncomfortable with cuddly touchy aftercare with anyone but Anon – I can’t really process how to deal with it, and its something I can’t control. I generally want to say ‘that was nice!’ and bounce away. I think its the weird meshy overlap of sex and kink, and how other people perceive it. With Anon, and other long term partners, I want to play *and* fuck, in different permutations depending on the time and mood. But generally, casually, play is just play, and I have a perfectly good time staying dressed, doing things to another person, and that being it for me.

    This particularly comes up with fisting. I’ve found that often people want to reciprocate, and I generally do not want that from my fisting partners. I want to watch them have fun, come all over the place and all that jazz…and then I want to clean up, sit back, and enjoy that. Preferably with a minimum of weirdness.

  9. Oh wow…. yeah, I feel ya on this one. I have the same need to feel in control, and the same weirdness when I’m not able to reciprocate. It sure makes life difficult being a submissive!

  10. Oh wow…. yeah, I feel ya on this one. I have the same need to feel in control, and the same weirdness when I’m not able to reciprocate. It sure makes life difficult being a submissive!

  11. This really struck me. I worry a LOT about whether I should be doing more for my partner, when I really want to just be present in the sensations they are bringing me. As a girl, I definitely learned “Boys are only in it for One Thing,” and that one thing was not overwhelming me with orgasms. I think that’s part of why I ID as submissive. I want to know my partner will take what he wants or tell me what to do.

  12. This really struck me. I worry a LOT about whether I should be doing more for my partner, when I really want to just be present in the sensations they are bringing me. As a girl, I definitely learned “Boys are only in it for One Thing,” and that one thing was not overwhelming me with orgasms. I think that’s part of why I ID as submissive. I want to know my partner will take what he wants or tell me what to do.

  13. Dammit Jack. I have a thing for struggling bottoms. I can only top if there’s something to exploit.

    The fun we could have, my man!

  14. Dammit Jack. I have a thing for struggling bottoms. I can only top if there’s something to exploit.

    The fun we could have, my man!

  15. Some of the fantasies can be fulfilled through erotic stories only and this is the real way where we can discover the sexual desire and enjoy the fulfillment,..i really liked your work 

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