I had another journal a while ago that was pretty locked up. Here is a retelling of events that happened about six months ago.
Not sure what to say about my date last night. Very very odd. Surreal.
Half Asian Video Editor Girl. It was our second date.Went to dinner, walked around, I was frankly thinking things weren’t working out. A lot of awkward silences with me like looking around for some way of escape. Then she sort of randomly asked if we could hang at my apartment.
We took a cab back to my place, she pretty much did that thing girls do where they sit there waiting to be kissed, so I kissed her. Things progressed pretty normally from there.
I was pretty confused, because she seemed to send me a lot of messages that this wasn’t going to happen. She shot me down the first date. I slowed down during the kissing and asked her if I was moving to fast and her response was “I want you to fuck me.”
Well, I may not be the best at reading messages, but that one I think I can interpret as a positive.
Let me describe her. My height, chubby-ish with most of her weight carried in her behind and breasts. Shoulder length straight black hair, warm light brown eyes, which are sort of asian looking, but sort of not. Pale skin with lots of freckles on her nose and cheeks. Cute in a dorky way.
I didn’t really think about it at first, but she wore a long sleeve shirt on both dates… though I did notice she did the emo sleeve tug a lot, pulling sleeves over her hands. She took her pants of as things progressed, but only pulled up her shirt and I started to get why.
Cutters. I have been with cutters before. I should have read it a long time back. I saw the first few on her belly, all in a neat little row. The more skin that was exposed the more I realized she was a serious cutter. I mean… rows of neat deep scars. Neat and even rows with the occasional slash across. You could see the attention to pattern and the occasionally followed urge to ruin even her own destructive works.
She has tattoos (chinese characters) on her wrists and up her arms, plus a large character on her chest between her breasts and I would lean later two playing cards on her back. The queen of hears and the queen of spades… significance?
Then I saw an almost successful suicide attempt, big thick slashes down her wrist. She has kangi tattoos all down her arm and the scar splits the dark ink
in half with a golden white scar as thick as a pencil. Which means it wasn’t that long ago. It was after she got the tatoos which I am guessing were done when she was in her early 20’s.
People have issues, I’m fine with that, I understand that. But to be honest I got freaked. I had an equipment failure. I think it was the big scars cutting into the tattoos… I kept thinking about it.
But I worked through it. She had a good time and I eventually found my way through to at least some degree.
I always kiss scars. It just seems like what you should do. Does that make sense? She seemed to be comforted by it.
She had to go home because she didn’t bring anything for her contact lenses… or just didn’t want to stay, who knows.
Weird weird night. I like her, not in any serious way, but she is sort of fascinating in an emotionally fucked up way. Really she seemed bubbly and happy the whole time, I had no idea what would be under her shirt, besides very large breasts.
I certainly don’t want to rattle her or ask too many questions that she doesn’t want to answer… still my curiosity will always overpower any other emotion. Queen of Hearts and Queen of Spades… hm. Dark past or just a troubled youth? What broke that little girl?
Sigh, deep down part of me just thinks of people as stories. Deep down I kind of like that I feel that way.