Category — Blog

I rather enjoy the unexpected inspiration of being asked questions, especially anonymous questions. Formspring has been very useful in this capacity and I’ve been answering a lot of interesting questions there lately. Here is a taste of some of my answers. The rest can be found at formspring.me/writingdirty

Anonymous asks: You’ve mentioned that British girls tickle your fancy. What other girls are you into? Are age and race factors?

Well, in the last two years I’ve dated people from 21 to 33, and that sounds about right for my age of attraction. I’ve played with people as young as 18, though I find it hard to connect with people that far from my age in a relationship so the connections are usually pretty physical. On occasion I don’t mind that at all.
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There are parts of the city that die at night. The hustle and bustle of the day ends abruptly at about six or seven. Stragglers and work horses may stay until eight or nine. By eleven the streets of the Financial District are deserted.

As our cab pulled up to a seemingly random corner I paid and we wandered out cautiously. I checked my phone for the hundredth time and found the address. As I was told it was above a deli. The building looked just like everything else there; gray, empty, foreboding.

I took Zonah’s hand and we shared raised eyebrow amusement at the shadiness of this whole situation.

Next to the deli was a door with a row of anonymous doorbells. I pressed all of them. In a second a weak tinny buzz croaked and the door clicked open.

Up two flights of dirty but not really filthy stairs until we saw lights and an open door. A twentysomething boy, pretty, shirtless, slightly drunk, came out and opened his arms.

“Welcome to the sex party!”
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Senior year in high school. One day my best friend tells me about this girl he met who I “had to meet.” I was somewhat popular, at least with the large nerdy population of my school and I’d thought I’d met everyone, but apparently this girl Jill slipped past my radar. After he mentioned her I kept hearing about her though, this brash, blindingly intelligent poet, lesbian, activist. Frankly it was starting to get annoying. Who was this chick?

A month later I found myself cornered in my best friend’s kitchen. He presented us to each other, like some landmark meeting of the minds. I suppose we were both sort of big personalities so everyone wanted to know how we would react to each other.

We eye each other. We circled each other. We asked some pointed questions about books and music. We fell into banter. We sat down on the floor and started a long conversation. We sang some songs. We tested each other. Eight hours later we were best friends.
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Let’s call her Amy.

I saw her every day. She was this cruel, beautiful, petulant, bossy little thing. I went over her house every day after school with my cousin.

Amy was my cousin’s best friend and she tolerated having me in her home because I told amusing jokes and because I was smart enough to figure things out that she and my cousin couldn’t. I could do things like talk people’s parents into things and fix their computers and so on.

Amy, of course, would never be seen with a chubby geeky boy like me. Plus we were the same age and obviously she could only date seniors, if not college boys. Still, I had some things she wanted, music, better notes from classes we shared, money to buy the silly things kids like, so she occasionally put on a smile and cuddled up to me and asked me nicely for things. That’s the way kids are.

I would basically do anything for her. There were a variety of reasons for this, her looks, her attitude, her coolness, her casual sexiness.
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Of late, since my play and my sex life have become both more varied and more plentiful, some of the particulars of my own sexuality have become more and more apparent.

Some of these things I’ve known for years, but haven’t really thought about in depth. In most situations these leanings and proclivities can be hidden by the normal dynamics of sex, especially casual sex, where every position and combination isn’t going to be attempted anyhow, so brevity aids omission or at least camouflage.

Power and control are a lot more important to my sexual pleasure than I once thought. I am realizing I have a lot of trouble giving up control, or, more accurately, giving up what I consider control. That seems somewhat normal — after all, I’m a mostly-straight guy who is primarily a top. By most social norms I should be used to being in control. Still, my ideas about control seem a little warped when I look at them more carefully.

The act of being brought to orgasm by someone or even giving yourself an orgasm in front of someone is, in some fundamental way in my head, a submission. It is showing your out of control side. It is being vulnerable. It is being needy. It is everything that little Jack was taught was bad.

Intellectually I know that this is nonsense. Still, a lot of our reactions during intimacy are non-cognitive, deeply emotional and hard to understand without some real processing.

For example, it’s rare that I have an orgasm through oral sex or manual sex. The exception is that if I am also stimulating my partner

during this, I can focus on that long enough to make me forget. Does that make sense? Like the sex lives of most kinky people, sex is complicated.

I would say I get off far harder making people have orgasms than having them myself, with the exception of really intense penetrative sex which is usually awesome for me.

Fingering a woman, performing oral sex and using sex toys on them all turn me on in a huge way. I’ve gotten into what is probably my favorite activity, making women squirt, in some other posts. There is also “forced orgasm” which is in many ways the apex of my kink, i.e., making someone come over and over again until they can’t stand it anymore and are so overwhelmed by the orgasms and the sensation overload they are left a quivery mess.

I’ve written about that, though. What I haven’t written about much is my own reactions.

I’ve had partners comment when I don’t have an orgasm or don’t even really get into my own physical sexual gratification in a scene. I can do a whole scene mostly clothed while the bottom has been stripped, tied, roughed up, made to come several times. I can go away from a scene like that completely aroused and satisfied. Really, bringing my penis into the situation would make it less of fun time. I get off hard in a scene like that, and the somewhat less important desire to have an orgasm not only gets in the way, but gives the bottom far too much power over me.

There are different ways to play, though. That is describing one mood and maybe one character I let myself slip into: the super observant

reaction top who notices everything, mocks everything, punishes, pleases, and plays for his amusement and to take the bottom somewhere. When I am in that head space I want to force reactions. Pleasure, pain, humiliation, lust, need and even catharsis.

Other times I can be more playful or more mean. Sometimes I just want to fuck and the kinks that go along with that game, spanking, manhandling and pinning down hands, are very different than a full on scene. Sometimes I want to have relatively vanilla sex, but still I am taking it.

To receive pleasure I have to be in a very different place. I have to be with someone I trust to be vulnerable with and that doesn’t happen very often. It has happened though, in long term relationships with people I am in love with and care about enough to show that side of myself. Even then, it is a pretty temperamental thing.

This is also because of the lingering fingers of the Catholic guilt from my childhood. It marks many of my desires with guilt and embarrassment. Along with guilt are the lessons taught both overtly and subconsciously through my childhood by my father: that it is weak and wrong to show emotions. Both factors conspire to taint things like public displays of affection, talking about my emotions, saying “I love you” and showing desire towards men.

My mixed feelings towards sex with men are some of the most violently guilt ridden and humiliating, which leads to them also being ones I read about and think about secretly. Thus my fascination with slash.

Where do I go with this information?

For the last six months I’ve been trying to do things that are out of my comfort zone. I’m testing myself and having adventures and trying to break the barriers that keep me from doing everything that I want. I feel like I am really exploring my own desire and the desires of others. I’m shaky and wide eyed and having a lot of fun. Some of the things, like bottoming, make my fears and mental blocks much more apparent and cumbersome.

A good example of this is how when I am bottoming I feel like I am good at taking pain and force and aggression, but the cuddling afterward makes me want to escape. Receiving pleasure, especially

when I can’t control it or return it, is almost enough to break me out of the whole scene. When I am really turned on my hands shake with the need to take control. When I am confronted with “giving in” and being “made to come” my head twists and turns and won’t let my body do it.

That being said, I am more than willing to try. I even think trying is important. Breaking down the barriers to pleasure is as interesting as reveling in the sublimations my head has come up with to work around the blocks.

It’s interesting to think of how far I’ve come, so to speak, in discovering my sexuality. From looking at dirty stories online as a horny fourteen year old to writing things and doing things I’d never imagined I’d do. It will be interesting to see where my life will go from here.

Sideshow: The Queer Literary Carnival is serious literature for ridiculous times, curated and hosted by Cheryl B. & Sinclair Sexsmith.

Every month on the second Tuesday at The Phoenix, 447 East 13th Street @ Avenue A, in the East Village of New York City. Doors open at 7:30pm, reading promptly at 8pm. FREE! But we will pass the hat for donations to the performers.

Here is the text from my reading on 6/8/2010

How I Found my Inner Butch

Hi, my name is Jack and I write about sex on the internet. We are a rare breed.

I was a little taken aback when Sinclair asked me to speak at Sideshow. I was also honored and scared and impressed with him. You see I’m not particularly queer in the way I feel a lot of people use the term, though I’m certainly not straight, or hetero-normative or what ever the opposite of queer is.

Queer is, at this room demonstrates, very much a spectrum.
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So The Floating World is having a logo contest. Who ever wins gets to go to The Floating World for free.

I entered three logos and I think they are pretty good. It would really help me if people went over and voted for them.

Mine are numbers 7, 14 and 15.

I’d really appreciate it. Plus going to The Floating World would mean going to the largest dungeon on the east coast and who knows what kind of stories I would bring back from that.

It takes about 10 seconds and you’d be making my summer way more awesome.

Vote here!

Many stories, both true and fictional are in the works. My life has been almost unbelievably busy both personally and professionally and there are many things to think and write about this Summer. As well there are many great things to do this Summer and here are three events that I think all my readers will be interested in.

KinkForAll Washington 2 (KFADC2) – June 12th, 2010

The seventh KinkForAll is happening on June 12th and I will be there and most likely using the data I got from my taboo survey and various research I’ve been doing in one way or another for the last decade in talking about why people write about taboo subjects in erotica (and specifically online erotica.)

If there is time I always seem to start a talk about fan fiction and slash and I have some good ideas for that as well this year.

If you’ve read this blog for a while you’ve read the various posts I made about the awesomeness of other KFAs

Come one, come all!

TESFest 2010 – July 2th-5th

In the last few months I’ve become a much more active participant in the community aspect of the BDSM scene in New York City. Besides going to Conversio Virium, Comunbia University’s BDSM group and the DSD (Deviants Socializing in a Diner,) Pleasure Salon, In The Flesh, etc. I’ve been going to many TES meetings and even started volunteering.

The Eulenspiegel Society is the longest running BDSM group in the country and it has a wide range of classes and events on every aspect of BDSM and alternative sexuality. There are special interest groups for queer topics, polyamory, bondage, and many other subjects.

TESFest, I’m told, is a great event with “tons of classes, great vendors, and fabulous play-space setup by The Crucible.”

The Floating World – August 20th-22nd

The event I am looking forward to the most this Summer is The Floating World. I’ve been hearing from so many people that this is THE event to go to this year with a list of presenters that is the best and the brightest, bar none. Plus there is the “largest play space ever assembled in the northeast” which seems too intriguing not to see.

I really like that this event is run by an amalgam of people from different groups and organizations. There seems to be a sense of inter-community cooperation that I see lacking in NYC in a lot of ways.

Plus any building that has Barbara Carrellas, Cecilia Tan, Corey Alexander, Dov, Jefferson, Klawdya Rothschild, Lee Harrington, Lolita Wolf, Mollena Williams, Nayland, and Wendy Blackheart all in it at the same time is a building I want to be in.

If you are thinking about going to The Floating World I would get tickets soon. The prices are going to jump a lot on June 1st.

Just a few reminders of a couple of things I’ve done lately that you can see/hear/read/download:

I was on Kink on Tap this Sunday, along with MayMay, Helio Girl and Molly Ren. It’s available in podcast form for you enjoyment.

A couple of months ago I gave a presentation, that turned into two presentations, at KinkForAll DC. My first presentation was on Why Writing about Sex is Important and the other was entitles Slash: SUBTEXT = BUTT SEX.

I was Fleshbotted for the sixth time!

I was listed on the Manhattan Times Neighborhood Blogwatch! It’s kind of awesome that my vanilla neighborhood newspaper spotlighted kinky old me.

And stories are almost done! Actual real stories, just like the ones I used to post. Amazing.

or Jack and Wendy Will Beat Your Ass You Until You Come

Trilby is a hypno-fetishist. Hypnosis has always been something I have been both interested in and conflicted about. I’m a skeptic. This isn’t just a statement about my not taking capital “T” Truths at face value, it is actually a philosophical and a political stance that greatly effects how I look at the world.

The things I’ve read about hypnosis were often inconclusive, ambivalent or simply too vague to verify.

I met Trilby a while ago and I was fascinated from our first conversation about hypnosis and specifically erotic hypnosis. The idea of controlling someone, specifically their sexual reactions, has always been one of my biggest kinks. Not to mention the fact that Trilby was bright, cute and hysterically funny.
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